So you've most likely read the post concerning the abnormal cells on my cervix.
2 weeks ago I had my next set of tests done at the hospital, and it was one of the strangest things I've done to date.
I had no care for bubba pixie, she had a cold, and knowing that the hospital almost always runs late, I didn't want to leave her in child care for fear or not having time to pick her up (plus it was her first day!). So she had to come with me.
The time of my appointment was right when her afternoon sleep should have been, so she was not thrilled at being in a pram or being awake. This meant that when I finally got to see the doctor (an hour late) bubba was not going to sit in her pram happily why mummy had her bits prodded and scraped.
The only solution was to hold her. Half naked, on a table with legs in stirrups, and a baby on my chest sobbing as she wanted cuddles and boobie . And to make it more awkward still, the whole procedure was on a big screen in the room so the doctor could see the cells - and bubba pixie was watching. I couldn't help thinking "yes baby girl, you were squeezed out of there!"
Anyway, all awkwardness aside, I had the smear done, the cells checked, and am now awaiting the results. Never again will I leave it so long to have a Pap smear. I figure that by now, the doctors have seen it all anyway!
Sunday, 28 October 2012
Saturday, 8 September 2012
Don't leave it too long...
This is not a 'woe is me' post. Nor is it a 'feel sorry for me' post. This is a post so that all of the women who might read this don't make the same mistake I did.
As you may or may not know, baby Pixie is now 9 months old. At my 6 week checkup with the doctor, I asked her to do a pap smear. It had been years since my last one due to moving states and countries, and embarrassment about having this routine check done.
Anyway, my doctor did so, and within a week I was called to go back to the surgery to have another smear done, the initial one had shown some abnormalities. So, there I was, legs in the air again, for yet another person to prod and probe my privates (although by this stage, it pretty much seems par for the course since having a baby).
This smear also showed abnormalities, so with a referal from my GP, off to the Royal Women's hospital I went.
Long story short, I have a lump of reactive cells on my cervix, which isn't something in itself to worry about unless they "progress". I was told that there are 3 levels of reactive cells, level 1, level 2, and then cancer. My cells are at level 2. I was then told that cells can remain at this level for years before developing into cancer, so not to worry (all I could think at this point was that I haven't had a smear in years, I have no idea how long my cervix has had reactive cells).
And now I wait.
I have another appointment in October, I'm still waiting for a date confirmation for the next test. This has been on my mind almost since my child's birth. They are waiting this long to see if the trauma to my cervix from birth is the cause for the lump.
If it is still there and the biopsy they will again preform still shows the cells are reactive, I will have to have surgery to cut it out, any I wouldn't be able to have any more children. Luckily my husband and I only wanted one child - but having the decision taken from you sucks.
So ladies, don't be shy. Get a pap smear. It may just save your life.
As you may or may not know, baby Pixie is now 9 months old. At my 6 week checkup with the doctor, I asked her to do a pap smear. It had been years since my last one due to moving states and countries, and embarrassment about having this routine check done.
Anyway, my doctor did so, and within a week I was called to go back to the surgery to have another smear done, the initial one had shown some abnormalities. So, there I was, legs in the air again, for yet another person to prod and probe my privates (although by this stage, it pretty much seems par for the course since having a baby).
This smear also showed abnormalities, so with a referal from my GP, off to the Royal Women's hospital I went.
Long story short, I have a lump of reactive cells on my cervix, which isn't something in itself to worry about unless they "progress". I was told that there are 3 levels of reactive cells, level 1, level 2, and then cancer. My cells are at level 2. I was then told that cells can remain at this level for years before developing into cancer, so not to worry (all I could think at this point was that I haven't had a smear in years, I have no idea how long my cervix has had reactive cells).
And now I wait.
I have another appointment in October, I'm still waiting for a date confirmation for the next test. This has been on my mind almost since my child's birth. They are waiting this long to see if the trauma to my cervix from birth is the cause for the lump.
If it is still there and the biopsy they will again preform still shows the cells are reactive, I will have to have surgery to cut it out, any I wouldn't be able to have any more children. Luckily my husband and I only wanted one child - but having the decision taken from you sucks.
So ladies, don't be shy. Get a pap smear. It may just save your life.
Thursday, 21 June 2012
Catch yourself continued
It's not been that long since my "Catch Yourself" post, but I thought I'd do a little update.
Since making the decision to not watch the clock, not count the minutes until I could put my daughter back to sleep, our lives have improved.
I'm not actually doing anything all that different, our days are spent the same way (go for a walk at least once a day, lots of mat play, singing and talking, etc) but my attitude is better. I don't know if my daughter can sense a difference, but I feel better in myself. I feel more present. I feel like I'm really 'there'.
It's amazing how much better it can be with a simple change of attitude.
Since making the decision to not watch the clock, not count the minutes until I could put my daughter back to sleep, our lives have improved.
I'm not actually doing anything all that different, our days are spent the same way (go for a walk at least once a day, lots of mat play, singing and talking, etc) but my attitude is better. I don't know if my daughter can sense a difference, but I feel better in myself. I feel more present. I feel like I'm really 'there'.
It's amazing how much better it can be with a simple change of attitude.
Sunday, 17 June 2012
Catch yourself
I've caught myself. And just in time too.
I caught myself "filling in time" between bubbas sleeps, watching the clock and passively time wasting.
I don't want to be the time filler! I don't want to be so damn focused on sleep, watching the clock to see how long she has been awake and how much longer before I can put her back down for the next one.
But sleep deprivation will do that to even the best mummies (or so I believe). We all know how important sleep is, especially for babies, but I don't believe that I should be so focused on sleep anymore - at least not now that we are all finally getting some.
So I'm changing my mindset.
Instead of waiting for my baby to go to sleep, I'm going to be waiting for her to wake up to start our new adventure. Instead of just filling time we are going to play, do activities and have fun. Sure we've always sung songs, cuddled, had finger plays etc, but that wasn't cutting it for me. I realised I wanted to do more.
Last night, before dinner my husband and I experienced finger painting with our baby for the first time ever. It was AMAZING. We all had fun, we all got messy, and we created memories. We even have a small series of artwork to display proudly on the fridge.
I want to be a positive parent, and an active parent.
All it takes is a change of mindset, to catch yourself in the moments and decide if this is really how you want it too be.
I caught myself "filling in time" between bubbas sleeps, watching the clock and passively time wasting.
I don't want to be the time filler! I don't want to be so damn focused on sleep, watching the clock to see how long she has been awake and how much longer before I can put her back down for the next one.
But sleep deprivation will do that to even the best mummies (or so I believe). We all know how important sleep is, especially for babies, but I don't believe that I should be so focused on sleep anymore - at least not now that we are all finally getting some.
So I'm changing my mindset.
Instead of waiting for my baby to go to sleep, I'm going to be waiting for her to wake up to start our new adventure. Instead of just filling time we are going to play, do activities and have fun. Sure we've always sung songs, cuddled, had finger plays etc, but that wasn't cutting it for me. I realised I wanted to do more.
Last night, before dinner my husband and I experienced finger painting with our baby for the first time ever. It was AMAZING. We all had fun, we all got messy, and we created memories. We even have a small series of artwork to display proudly on the fridge.
I want to be a positive parent, and an active parent.
All it takes is a change of mindset, to catch yourself in the moments and decide if this is really how you want it too be.
Saturday, 26 May 2012
An abundance of liquid gold.
Warning - this blog post will be about my breasts and the adventures of my "milk machines".
I am one of the lucky ones. I've never had a problem with milk supply, and my baby has been a great latcher and feeder. I am not trying to gloat, I'm not trying to show off. It is just a fact. I am lucky.
My body started producing colostrum from about 6 1/2 months into my pregnancy, which was a huge shock (imagine seeing a golden yellow fluid seep from your nipples in the shower, wtf!), but this is normal for some, apparently so for me!
My milk came in while I was in the hospital (although i had a longer stay - 5 days). My baby was jaundiced so was in the humidy crib for 2days. During that time they want you to feed every 2 hours and top up with a bottle of expressed milk, at least 20mls. The midwife asked me if I knew how to express manually, I said no, so she offered to show me. She had a little syringe ready to suck up any little drops to milk to give to my baby, and much to her surprise a stream of milk came out (much like milking a cow). She then went and got one of the electronic pumps and said to go for my life. I expresses 60mls then and there. Yep, I was a good supplier.
Ever since that first week I've been fine with supply. The only problems I've had with baby latching, was if my breasts were too full, and I've have to express some first so that she could latch. I think my supply has made her a lazy feeder, as she barely has to look at me and my milk will come shooting out. So much so, that at one of my mothers group meetings, in a cafe, I almost shot one of the other mums with the force of my milk after bub a had unattached herself. If there had been anyone at the table behind us, they would have had some extra milk with their coffee (no word of a lie!).
I don't have the experience of hearing a baby cry and feeling my milk come in, unlike many other mothers. Even my own baby crying doesn't do that for me. But once she gives my nipple one or two good sucks, it come with an almighty gush!
Also a hot shower will make my milk come in. I remember showering and talking to my husband who was holding our baby (the beginning of the end - never again showering on my own) and the look of surprise on his face as I started spontaneously squirting the shower screen with a steady flow of milk. I couldn't help but giggle at how ridiculous it was! I must admit, because of this type of flow, I have done the milk equivalent of "writing your name in the sand" across the shower screen, couldn't help myself, and I kinda get why boys attempt to pee their names.
Needless to say, when my poor husband and I have some "us time" the bra stays on and the "girls" are left alone - by his choice.
I feel so bad for mothers that can't breast feed, either due to no milk supply, or a baby that can't latch. I can't even begin to comprehend the pure frustration when the milk letdown doesn't happen. I understand why bottle feeding is an option, or sometimes the only option. So although I'm a huge advocate for breast feeding, I will never make a mother feel bad for not doing so. It works for me, in fact it was easy from the start, so I never had to struggle with that decision.
Boobie power (and may the milk fairies be kind).
I am one of the lucky ones. I've never had a problem with milk supply, and my baby has been a great latcher and feeder. I am not trying to gloat, I'm not trying to show off. It is just a fact. I am lucky.
My body started producing colostrum from about 6 1/2 months into my pregnancy, which was a huge shock (imagine seeing a golden yellow fluid seep from your nipples in the shower, wtf!), but this is normal for some, apparently so for me!
My milk came in while I was in the hospital (although i had a longer stay - 5 days). My baby was jaundiced so was in the humidy crib for 2days. During that time they want you to feed every 2 hours and top up with a bottle of expressed milk, at least 20mls. The midwife asked me if I knew how to express manually, I said no, so she offered to show me. She had a little syringe ready to suck up any little drops to milk to give to my baby, and much to her surprise a stream of milk came out (much like milking a cow). She then went and got one of the electronic pumps and said to go for my life. I expresses 60mls then and there. Yep, I was a good supplier.
Ever since that first week I've been fine with supply. The only problems I've had with baby latching, was if my breasts were too full, and I've have to express some first so that she could latch. I think my supply has made her a lazy feeder, as she barely has to look at me and my milk will come shooting out. So much so, that at one of my mothers group meetings, in a cafe, I almost shot one of the other mums with the force of my milk after bub a had unattached herself. If there had been anyone at the table behind us, they would have had some extra milk with their coffee (no word of a lie!).
I don't have the experience of hearing a baby cry and feeling my milk come in, unlike many other mothers. Even my own baby crying doesn't do that for me. But once she gives my nipple one or two good sucks, it come with an almighty gush!
Also a hot shower will make my milk come in. I remember showering and talking to my husband who was holding our baby (the beginning of the end - never again showering on my own) and the look of surprise on his face as I started spontaneously squirting the shower screen with a steady flow of milk. I couldn't help but giggle at how ridiculous it was! I must admit, because of this type of flow, I have done the milk equivalent of "writing your name in the sand" across the shower screen, couldn't help myself, and I kinda get why boys attempt to pee their names.
Needless to say, when my poor husband and I have some "us time" the bra stays on and the "girls" are left alone - by his choice.
I feel so bad for mothers that can't breast feed, either due to no milk supply, or a baby that can't latch. I can't even begin to comprehend the pure frustration when the milk letdown doesn't happen. I understand why bottle feeding is an option, or sometimes the only option. So although I'm a huge advocate for breast feeding, I will never make a mother feel bad for not doing so. It works for me, in fact it was easy from the start, so I never had to struggle with that decision.
Boobie power (and may the milk fairies be kind).
Friday, 25 May 2012
Cry like a baby
I am an overindulgent mother.
I don't like to hear my child cry.
If she cries, I go to her and "make it better".
Mind you, she is all of 5 months old. I'm of the belief that at this age she is crying for a reason, and that it's my job to figure out what that reason is and to make it better for her. I'm sure this viewpoint will change, I'm sure very soon I'll be sick of it all and just let her cry it out, but right now I'm happy being "that mother" that "spoils" her child.
Except that I don't think that it is spoiling her. How can removing negativities from her her little life be spoiling? Surely at the ripe old age of 5 months old, she's not yet learnt to manipulate in such a way. Surely she is crying out of a basic need or want - I'm hungry, I'm tired, my nappy needs changing, I'm bored.
There are times that she will cry and I will make her wait, if I'm in the middle of cooking, load of washing etc and I can see that she's fine. But I talk to her, reassure her that mummy is here, I won't be long. Surely if she receives the positive message that "someone is there for me when I need them" it will make for a well adjusted child?
However, this is not to say that letting a child cry at times isn't valuable too. Sometimes a child will reach the point of no return in their crying, and it just has to run its course. A prime example of this is the "cry it out" method of getting children to self settle to sleep, but I just think that for me and my baby, 5 months is too young to start this.
So yes, I am an overindulgent mother, and proud of it!
I don't like to hear my child cry.
If she cries, I go to her and "make it better".
Mind you, she is all of 5 months old. I'm of the belief that at this age she is crying for a reason, and that it's my job to figure out what that reason is and to make it better for her. I'm sure this viewpoint will change, I'm sure very soon I'll be sick of it all and just let her cry it out, but right now I'm happy being "that mother" that "spoils" her child.
Except that I don't think that it is spoiling her. How can removing negativities from her her little life be spoiling? Surely at the ripe old age of 5 months old, she's not yet learnt to manipulate in such a way. Surely she is crying out of a basic need or want - I'm hungry, I'm tired, my nappy needs changing, I'm bored.
There are times that she will cry and I will make her wait, if I'm in the middle of cooking, load of washing etc and I can see that she's fine. But I talk to her, reassure her that mummy is here, I won't be long. Surely if she receives the positive message that "someone is there for me when I need them" it will make for a well adjusted child?
However, this is not to say that letting a child cry at times isn't valuable too. Sometimes a child will reach the point of no return in their crying, and it just has to run its course. A prime example of this is the "cry it out" method of getting children to self settle to sleep, but I just think that for me and my baby, 5 months is too young to start this.
So yes, I am an overindulgent mother, and proud of it!
Friday, 18 May 2012
So you're in the hospital . . . *warning*
This will be graphic. I recommend not reading this if you are pregnant as it may scare you.
My labour was LONG! Officially on paper, it was only 19 hours, but I was contracting heavily from the moment my waters broke, about 36 hours before bubba was born.
Let me start by saying that I had wanted a natural labour, with no drugs - maybe gas only. I wanted my baby to be placed on my chest as soon as she was born and for her cord to stay intact with the placenta until it had stopped pulsing. None of these things happened.
I was at home, resting my heavily pregnant and swollen body, when I felt a little trickle and some dampness "down there". I sure as heck had not peed myself, but didn't think it could really be my waters breaking as I'd been told throughout my pregnancy that I had excess amniotic fluid. So I called the hospital as I'd been advised to, and they said to go in to check.
Off we went to the hospital where my waters broke. It was like a river breaking it's banks! I gushed and gushed and gushed so much that the bed they had me lying on was soaked to the point of dripping onto the floor. I was mortified, but at the same time glad. We had just bought a new bed and mattress, and the towel I had been sleeping on at home "just in case" would have done nothing to save our comfortable new bed!
Now let me tell you that your "waters" are nothing like water at all. It is a slimy, thickish consistency and not at all pleasant! Anyway...
I was sent home after flooding the place, and told to come in at 6.45am the next morning for an induction if nothing started happening ( mind you I had been having contractions 3 minutes apart and lasting 1 minute at this stage). So we went home, told hubby to get some sleep, while I did some laundry and had a stinking hot shower.
Fast forward about 3-4 hours and we were back at the hospital as my contractions were pretty painful at this stage, it was about 4am. We were admitted and taken to a birthing suite where they told me to get comfortable and rest, Ha! You try resting when your lower back and abdomen spasms every 3 minutes!
Luke warm showers (the water does not get hot at the hospital - had I known this I would have stayed home and in our shower for longer) on my hands and knees, or leant over a chair worked for a while, but I started to get scared that I wouldn't be able to take the pain and that I was only 1cm dilated. Thankfully I was more like 3-4cm at that stage. This is when I asked for some gas. It tasted disgusting, made me light headed and feeling drunk, but it did the trick for a while. Just breathe deeply when you feel a contraction coming and it all goes away... That's what they said anyway.
After a while I then laboured next to the bed, cushions under my knees and chest on the bed, buck naked this whole time with midwives and doctors coming and going. When people tell you that you leave your dignity at the door when you give birth, they sure as hell aren't wrong!
Enter midwife number 2 (sorta) who said to me "you can take this pain, look at all your tattoos, you should be fine". She didn't come back in after that, whether I said something or gave her a look I don't know, but I had no patience for her!
The next midwife (proper number 2as the previous one lasted 5 minutes) was better, she helped move me into better positions, and assured me that my baby would be born on her shift due to how well I was progressing. At this point I was given the Pethadine shot as well as the gas.
Her shift ended and enter the next midwife ( who was my favorite during labour). She was also convinced that my baby would be born during her shift as I was progressing so well (I was about 6-7cm at this stage).
And then the progression slowed down. In fact it stopped. Baby's heartbeat was fine, but there was no more movement in the "down and out" direction. They called a doctor in, who much to my dismay, thrust her entire hand into my vagina to feel my cervix and my baby's progression. Have you ever seen a vet show where the veterinarian puts their hand up into the cows bits to pull out the calf? That's how I felt. And bless her, she's trying to tell me what's she's doing, and I'm doing all I can to not tell her to shut up and get her damn hand out of me during my contractions!
During this stage I finally asked for an epidural. I had been labouring with intense contractions for well over 20 hours and needed sleep.
The anesthetist arrived and told me to sit up and hunch over so that he could administer the needle. Apparently I told him that it was impossible, could he not see the size of my belly? Lol, I don't recall that at all!
Blah, blah, blah, epidural in and bring on about 2 hours of sleep. At this point the doctor returns, again puts her entire hand inside me (that shouldn't even be possible!) and tells me that if I don't progress further within the hour I'll have to have a Caesarian. My heart dropped. All this work only to be told that. I yelled out that I didn't want a Caesarian and she gave me more time to progress.
During this my 4th midwife had arrived and was very supportive. She helped me relax (somewhat) and told me that i could do this. I fell asleep for a while and woke as the epidural was wearing off. The midwife told me that I could continue to allow it to wear off to feel when to push, or I could dose up. I decided to let it ware off a little. But that bastard of a thing didn't ware off, it straight up cut out. There I was, no pain then BAM! more pain than you could imagine. I pushed and pushed and pushed for dear life. I pushed so much I was vomiting, I was determined to push this baby out. But after pushing for what seemed like hours, the midwife called the dr in again, my baby was stuck.
Thankfully I had pushed her to the point where a Caesarian was no longer possible, but I still had to go to theatre to pull her out. The readministered the epidural (thank god!) and wheeled me away.
The rest is kinda blurry, they put a screen up so that I couldn't see below my chest, they put my legs in stirrups, and they used the ventouse to try to suck my baby out. It didn't work, instead it lifted some of the skin from my poor baby's head. So they then used the forceps, which caused scrapes on her temple and under her ear, but got her out! I remember seeing them lift my purple baby away from me and onto the crib with a group of doctors and nurses around her. I remember calling out "why isn't she crying?" and then seeing these little hands stretch upwards from the crib. It took a whole 2 minutes for her to cry.
I don't remember birthing the placenta, I don't really remember them stitching me up, I remember them holding a tightly wrapped baby to me, and then being wheeled away to recovery. I remember trying to stay awake in recovery so that I could see my baby, but it was about 2hours before I did. Luckily my husband got to have that bonding time with our healthy baby.
My labour was traumatic for me, I still, almost 5 months later, have nightmares about it.
But I wouldn't change a thing.
My labour was LONG! Officially on paper, it was only 19 hours, but I was contracting heavily from the moment my waters broke, about 36 hours before bubba was born.
Let me start by saying that I had wanted a natural labour, with no drugs - maybe gas only. I wanted my baby to be placed on my chest as soon as she was born and for her cord to stay intact with the placenta until it had stopped pulsing. None of these things happened.
I was at home, resting my heavily pregnant and swollen body, when I felt a little trickle and some dampness "down there". I sure as heck had not peed myself, but didn't think it could really be my waters breaking as I'd been told throughout my pregnancy that I had excess amniotic fluid. So I called the hospital as I'd been advised to, and they said to go in to check.
Off we went to the hospital where my waters broke. It was like a river breaking it's banks! I gushed and gushed and gushed so much that the bed they had me lying on was soaked to the point of dripping onto the floor. I was mortified, but at the same time glad. We had just bought a new bed and mattress, and the towel I had been sleeping on at home "just in case" would have done nothing to save our comfortable new bed!
Now let me tell you that your "waters" are nothing like water at all. It is a slimy, thickish consistency and not at all pleasant! Anyway...
I was sent home after flooding the place, and told to come in at 6.45am the next morning for an induction if nothing started happening ( mind you I had been having contractions 3 minutes apart and lasting 1 minute at this stage). So we went home, told hubby to get some sleep, while I did some laundry and had a stinking hot shower.
Fast forward about 3-4 hours and we were back at the hospital as my contractions were pretty painful at this stage, it was about 4am. We were admitted and taken to a birthing suite where they told me to get comfortable and rest, Ha! You try resting when your lower back and abdomen spasms every 3 minutes!
Luke warm showers (the water does not get hot at the hospital - had I known this I would have stayed home and in our shower for longer) on my hands and knees, or leant over a chair worked for a while, but I started to get scared that I wouldn't be able to take the pain and that I was only 1cm dilated. Thankfully I was more like 3-4cm at that stage. This is when I asked for some gas. It tasted disgusting, made me light headed and feeling drunk, but it did the trick for a while. Just breathe deeply when you feel a contraction coming and it all goes away... That's what they said anyway.
After a while I then laboured next to the bed, cushions under my knees and chest on the bed, buck naked this whole time with midwives and doctors coming and going. When people tell you that you leave your dignity at the door when you give birth, they sure as hell aren't wrong!
Enter midwife number 2 (sorta) who said to me "you can take this pain, look at all your tattoos, you should be fine". She didn't come back in after that, whether I said something or gave her a look I don't know, but I had no patience for her!
The next midwife (proper number 2as the previous one lasted 5 minutes) was better, she helped move me into better positions, and assured me that my baby would be born on her shift due to how well I was progressing. At this point I was given the Pethadine shot as well as the gas.
Her shift ended and enter the next midwife ( who was my favorite during labour). She was also convinced that my baby would be born during her shift as I was progressing so well (I was about 6-7cm at this stage).
And then the progression slowed down. In fact it stopped. Baby's heartbeat was fine, but there was no more movement in the "down and out" direction. They called a doctor in, who much to my dismay, thrust her entire hand into my vagina to feel my cervix and my baby's progression. Have you ever seen a vet show where the veterinarian puts their hand up into the cows bits to pull out the calf? That's how I felt. And bless her, she's trying to tell me what's she's doing, and I'm doing all I can to not tell her to shut up and get her damn hand out of me during my contractions!
During this stage I finally asked for an epidural. I had been labouring with intense contractions for well over 20 hours and needed sleep.
The anesthetist arrived and told me to sit up and hunch over so that he could administer the needle. Apparently I told him that it was impossible, could he not see the size of my belly? Lol, I don't recall that at all!
Blah, blah, blah, epidural in and bring on about 2 hours of sleep. At this point the doctor returns, again puts her entire hand inside me (that shouldn't even be possible!) and tells me that if I don't progress further within the hour I'll have to have a Caesarian. My heart dropped. All this work only to be told that. I yelled out that I didn't want a Caesarian and she gave me more time to progress.
During this my 4th midwife had arrived and was very supportive. She helped me relax (somewhat) and told me that i could do this. I fell asleep for a while and woke as the epidural was wearing off. The midwife told me that I could continue to allow it to wear off to feel when to push, or I could dose up. I decided to let it ware off a little. But that bastard of a thing didn't ware off, it straight up cut out. There I was, no pain then BAM! more pain than you could imagine. I pushed and pushed and pushed for dear life. I pushed so much I was vomiting, I was determined to push this baby out. But after pushing for what seemed like hours, the midwife called the dr in again, my baby was stuck.
Thankfully I had pushed her to the point where a Caesarian was no longer possible, but I still had to go to theatre to pull her out. The readministered the epidural (thank god!) and wheeled me away.
The rest is kinda blurry, they put a screen up so that I couldn't see below my chest, they put my legs in stirrups, and they used the ventouse to try to suck my baby out. It didn't work, instead it lifted some of the skin from my poor baby's head. So they then used the forceps, which caused scrapes on her temple and under her ear, but got her out! I remember seeing them lift my purple baby away from me and onto the crib with a group of doctors and nurses around her. I remember calling out "why isn't she crying?" and then seeing these little hands stretch upwards from the crib. It took a whole 2 minutes for her to cry.
I don't remember birthing the placenta, I don't really remember them stitching me up, I remember them holding a tightly wrapped baby to me, and then being wheeled away to recovery. I remember trying to stay awake in recovery so that I could see my baby, but it was about 2hours before I did. Luckily my husband got to have that bonding time with our healthy baby.
My labour was traumatic for me, I still, almost 5 months later, have nightmares about it.
But I wouldn't change a thing.
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